I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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