I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
