this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
