No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
