I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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