Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
