i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
