i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
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You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
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My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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