Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
it's great music for shaving your balls
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What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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