she was so not down for the gang bang
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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