Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
What drink are we having for lunch?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
