I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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