I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
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You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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