It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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