We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
