mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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