12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
