how hairy? two words: wookie tits
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
