I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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