When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You are a genius and a whore.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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