2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
