The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
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Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize