I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
