Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
