I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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