I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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