dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
