I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
