First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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