Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
