Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
