it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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