Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
