Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
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I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
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You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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