listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize