i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
