Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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