so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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