He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
