If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
No subtext here. People are naked.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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