On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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