Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
