Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
