I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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