if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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