Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
pray to the hookup gods
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
