TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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