Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
