Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
