we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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