and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
